The Akatsuki Fangirls
by i r Kei
Summary: Title says it all. I got bored, this is a parody. Deal with it and love it. Trust me, you will. My friend almost died laughing. Literally. She choked on her soda.
1. Introduction

**Ever wondered how the Akatsuki dealt with their fan girls?**

**I sure have.**

**So here's this… work of art… made for all those fan just like me- just short of crazy!**

**This story is as told by the Akatsuki members, dedicated to their fan girls, whoever you may be, for fear they would be hated if not for you.**

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Akatsuki. Kishimoto-sensei does. And he pwns at it, so there.**

**Note, I only have two guys up, so please be patient. I will eventually have all the members of Akatsuki up. **

** Please review!  
**


	2. Kisame

KISAME

Hoshigaki Kisame, previously of the Hidden Mist Village, now a full-fledged member of the Akatsuki, could not find his Samehada. It was his trusted blade, his partner other than Itachi, and most importantly, it was his. Samehada was his sword, and no one had the right to take it from him. He wanted it back… BADLY. By the recent strings of break-ins he could only be certain a fan had stolen it.

"Dammit, Leader-sama, you should've never given our address to that damn columnist!" Kisame growled, throwing open the door to his room so he could glare out at the hallway.

Nothing had changed there, but he began to feel an unwanted presence from very close by. It could've been the fan that took his Samehada, but it could've also been one of his fellow members of the Akatsuki.

But his gut told him otherwise, and he'd rather trust his gut than the current security of the Akatsuki hideout. Stomping down the hall with a lack of grace he flexed his fists, knowing full well in order to get his Samehada back he would have to frighten the fans, and once he had his Samehada back he would have to keep it with him always to keep the fans frightened.

Stopping at the end of the hall he found himself face-to-face with the intruder. Disbelief flooded him. Only one person had retrieved his Samehada from him? He had a hard time understanding. And nonetheless this fan was female. He doubted she could carry Samehada much further, by the strain she was having just trying to get it out the window. But Kisame was pleased with it, it have her a distraction so she wouldn't notice him standing right behind her, creeping up behind her.

"Having trouble?" he asked, voice calm but in a threatening way.

"Yes, I can't seem to get Kisame-sama's Samehada out the window," the fan girl told him, oblivious to him.

"Well perhaps you shouldn't have stolen it?" Kisame inquired, waiting for his presence to dawn on her.

Seconds ticked by slowly, and she still managed to dismiss his being there. Kisame couldn't help that his eye twitched in irritation, and he couldn't help his hand from taking Samehada's hilt, forcing it from the girl's grasp.

"Don't take Samehada," he warned the fan girl, walking away with his trusted companion resting on his shoulder.

"You know, Kisame-sama's supposed to kick me out," the girl reminded him.

Wait, the girl sounded eager to be kicked out. Kisame stopped, turned, and stared with skepticism at the girl glaring at him, her hands on her hips. She looked angry with him for not kicking her out. He even doubted if she was sane at all.

"Who are you, girl?" he asked, shifting his weight slightly so Samehada rested lightly on his shoulder for his easy access to its strength.

"Zira," she replied, as if he was trying to start a peaceful conversation with her.

Maybe he would, just to get her out of his sight, out of the lair. He grunted, his eyes narrowing more than his glare had let them.

"And what were you doing taking Samehada from me?"

"I'm a fan girl, we try to do that."

"Oh?" he inquired. "But who gave you the right to steal my Samehada?"

"I have my rights as a fan girl," Zira replied. "But maybe trying to take your Samehada was a bit too drastic…"  
She eyed his slashed headband, the proof that he was no longer welcome at his village, before they skimmed his robe, eyes growing greedy with thoughts Kisame did not want to know.

"I would've settled for your headband, but you were wearing it at the time, and I didn't want to wake you."

Kisame lowered Samehada from his shoulder, pointing it at the girl.

"Out," he ordered.

Zira's glare turned into a look of pure loathing. Kisame doubted he wanted to know what she was planning at the moment. Her arms went across her chest, and her look darkened.

"Look, kid, unless you want Samehada's teeth ripping through you I suggest you leave," he offered, sword still pointed at the girl.

"But Kisame-sama has to give me a peace offering," Zira replied stubbornly, her face morphing into a pout.

"Ugh."

Kisame hated pouts. He couldn't stand them. Always on girls, though he could always stand the occasional pout from Deidara; but this he couldn't. Kisame pulled Samehada away from the girl, resting it on his shoulder again.

"What do you want?" he asked, irritation coating his voice.

"What does Kisame-sama want to give?" she asked, just as irritated as he.

This was not going to look well with the others. He would be considered the laughing stock, even when the ones who would laugh at him have all been fan glomped before. But that was different; a voice said in his mind, they didn't know it was coming. Kisame nodded to that voice before another one spoke up. Just let her glomp you, it told him, you can just tell the others she jumped through the window. The first voice spoke; of a second story house?

The girl waited patiently as Kisame listened to the two voices in his head debating. He hated his conscious just as much as he hated pouts. Kisame sighed irritably, and then closed his eyes, placing Samehada against the wall. Zira apparently knew what that meant, because she squealed with delight as she threw herself against him in a tight hug, almost knocking him to the ground. Almost as quickly as she'd jumped at him she was gone, standing only a foot away from him.

"Did Kisame-sama think that so bad?" Zira asked him, grinning widely. "Because personally I loved it."

She turned from him and walked to the open window, standing on the ledge before jumping to the ground. Kisame walked hesitantly over to the window. The second voice sounded smug, even in his own mind: yes, a second story house.


	3. Tobi

Tobi

Tobi wasn't an official member of the Akatsuki. He was just… there. But that didn't mean that his being near the Akatsuki didn't give him fans. He found that he had many fans, some strangely obsessed others just fans. He's found that so far, out of the twenty-nine fan girls that approached him (not that he'd been counting) only one was actually brave enough to return to the Akatsuki hideout. That was the only reason why Tobi wasn't angered at the leader for giving away the address to that columnist. Tobi was very pleased that fans stopped by all the time; he didn't know what angered the Akatsuki members so much. Though he had heard Kisame earlier that day about getting the 'puppy-dog pout' and his conscious allowing him to be 'glomped'. Tobi didn't know why the others didn't like to be 'glomped', as the fan girls had told him once. He enjoyed the attention, actually, and the fact that the fans didn't care if he were a full-fledged Akatsuki or not. That was another reason why he liked his fans.

The large crash behind him informed him that his daily visitor had arrived, the fan girl that continued to return to the Akatsuki hideout to see him. Tobi thought it might've just been a crush he had for this fan girl. But he didn't think it would last, since most fan girls moved on (he'd already had five that stopped squealing when they saw him, but instead started squealing when they saw Deidara, or even heard his name). But this fan girl had met all of the Akatsuki, and yet she stayed loyal to him. Tobi still didn't understand why she didn't just knock on the door, but that probably had something to do with the leader. And though he knew he had a crush on the girl it was hard not to like her. She was perfect in every way, at least, in his point of view.

Her light gold hair was crisp, always obedient in her desire to keep it straight and long. Her eyes were shining pools of green that held depth. And it seemed that whenever Tobi saw her she was wearing black. Black shirt, black skirt or shorts, sometimes she even wore her hair pulled back with a black ribbon. Of course, she was always barefoot. Tradition prevented her from wearing shoes inside the house, so she always left them away from the hideout, so none of the Akatsuki would find them and 'kill' them, as she so bluntly put it the second time she showed up.

"Hi Uekawa-chan," he greeted, smiling behind the orange swirl of mask that kept his face hidden… all but his right eye.

She nodded her greeting, as she always did, before sitting down on the floor under the window, her usual perch for when she visited. Tobi just stayed where he sat- on his bed against the opposite wall.

"Tobi-sama, do you know where Deidara-sama is?" Uekawa asked, staring at the ground.

Yes, he was right about his fan girls. She would be the sixth one to leave his fan club to join Deidara's.

"Deidara-senpai is downstairs cooking," Tobi replied. "Is there something wrong, Uekawa-chan?"  
"No, it's just that I couldn't find my shoes yesterday and I have a hunch Deidara-sama took them. I want them back because my feet hurt without them sometimes," she replied, holding her foot up and wriggling her toes.

Tobi could understand why her feet would her without her shoes- especially outside. Her feet were scraped and bruised from stepping on the sharp pebbles that were scattered around the land. He winced slightly when she dropped her foot on the ground, letting the bottom of it slide against the hard floor.

"Deidara-senpai didn't leave after you left yesterday, Uekawa-chan. He was swarmed by his fans."

Uekawa giggled, probably picturing the image in her mind. It wasn't hard to see Deidara swarmed with girls, a very irritated look on his face. Tobi joined in her laughter before she stood.

"I'm gonna go, Tobi-sama. If Deidara-sama didn't take my shoes then someone else did," she explained when a panicked noise came from his mouth. "Don't worry, I don't hate you… yet."

Another panicked noise came from Tobi's mouth at her statement. She giggled slightly and stood on the windowsill, waving at him before jumping, landing softly on the ground to dart around the front of the house.

Yes, he couldn't understand why the Akatsuki members hated their fan girls. Better still he couldn't understand why Uekawa left so early that day, other than her shoes.


End file.
